The light at the end of the tunnel.

Lost hope,
Destroyed.
Sitting alone,
Annoyed.
Rocking back in forth,
Depressed.
Banging your head against the wall,
Stressed.
Bleeding out,
Angry.
Submerged deep,
Lost.
Looking beyond,
Hope.

Would you rather have your dream job or dream man/woman? Why?

You know when it comes down to it I would rather be doing something I love then with someone I love. I know it may sound weird but sex is always there to get if you pursue it and when you have money it is even more open. As well being an omnisexual it makes relationships confusing as well with people not understanding that my feelings are put out for different reasons. Not to mention my dream job is part of my passion with working on computers and building a working robotic infrastructure and I really think it would be well worth the time spent more then it would be having my dream man/woman. As well my dream significant other is really to hard for me to define due to there being way to many variables for falling in love and they are much harder to work through like an equation.

So when it comes down to everything I think the biggest bonus with choosing the dream job over lover is that I would be guaranteed that there will never be a falling out due to the other side of things. My job is going to be solid for years to come being as I am leaning heavily towards robotics but will no matter what end up in the technology world and there is always something to do when it comes to all of that in the end. As well if I get in there good enough I will get access or be building the cutting edge technology and not have to worry about costs for it all. So in the end I prefer something that I can work through be it with equations or just raw knowledge rather then playing a guessing game.

Though yes I would love to find my dream lover and live happily ever after but in the end I think I would always choose my job over my lover since I have always loved technology and what all it has to offer and the potential for it in the future and would rather see that succeed then my love life being as most my relationships get screwed due to some of my past and it being way to open knowledge and it just tends to chase most potential away.

Faith and Religion in General

You know I am always getting dragged in to topics about religion, but when it comes down to it why do we need it? Do we really still need a god to fear retribution from if we do something wrong? Are we still stuck with such low morals that it takes a higher power to get us in line? As well why do we need invisible friends? Are people so lonely that they have to look to the sky, ground, netherworld, or other things just so they can say they have a friend? As well when it comes to religion and morals look what it has done to woman and is doing to gays and most the times those that don’t follow the same. They get condemned they get hated and for what reason? Some will say because that is the way of god, but if it is the way of god shouldn’t he being the one to pass judgement and not you? Not to mention look at those who are passing judgement upon others most the time, fuck if I was payed to spout my opinions I would do it too!

No I don’t blame people for having faith in one thing or another, but when that faith causing them to strike down people because they are different I just can’t support them. Not to mention when people will stick people in power by their faith and not their qualifications… Is shaking hands with a preacher that great? Sometimes I wonder where this world is going due to people with their different belief systems and then other times I just shake my head and stick to my corner. It is sad to watch people get bullied to suicide then listing to someone say I am glad they did that since that gets rid of another sinner. Actually no not sad, it is SICKENING! Look at the age of most those that chose that route, you really think your religion helps them when you make sure it is bullied? Why do we all have to be at each-others throats looking for what is wrong with an individual and not looking for the good in them? And why does a persons faith have to be a major part of what is wrong? Why can’t a person be who they are and people not be digging in to their system of beliefs to find ways to find what is wrong with a person and then misquoting things to do so?

You know it is like people trying to guess the end of the world. Religion started this idea, yet with thousands of guesses I know and probably millions I don’t and it still hasn’t ended yet they keep on trying. Not to mention the people preaching the end is near and trying to get people to follow this or that faith because it is coming. If it was really coming so soon don’t you think there would be signs? You know I am sure there would be something noticeably different by such a drastic nature it doesn’t just make you turn you head twice but as well stop and ponder what is going on. Do people really think that your gods are so cruel that their going to end the earth take in the select few faithful and leave the rest to rot in what ever terms their tends to be? Come on people this isn’t the stone ages, WAKE-UP! If a god was that cruel would it really be a god at all? For someone to say fuck-you to billions for they don’t agree with me is quite a major impact.

So think about it for a second and see what you believe in after thinking about how you condemn people and what it causes and the conditions set to get to those places of grace. Think about it all, does it sound like what you believe in is fair? Does it sound like what you preach is anything other then bullying those who grow up with zealots for parents and kill themselves or others in the name of god to prevent themselves or others from sinning and be called sinners anyway? Is it really smart to use death for the greater good when you can’t see what it does? How about chanting those random words, do you think they really do something? You know I have been through many faiths and none have been able to answer my questions without contradicting themselves. So now lets see you take your faith and see how much you have left after you go through all this.

PS: No I am not an atheist nor an agnostic, but in generally I just say I pagan since that is where I tend to be looking for the religions that can answer all my questions without contradicting itself.

Avatar 01.25.12

So after a long time in the works and getting pressed ahead of some other ideas Ciel finally gets some justice dealt to the nice render. I went for simple and quick so I just built a couple C4Ds and then dropped some nice looking text and I think it came out looking nice in the png form. It was a fun avatar to make after a break from them for so long. Though from here on I think I am going to focus more on doing full on image editing since I think this avatar will stick for quite some time since most of my sigs have turned to text when they are there. As well this is my own render and really wished I could of found this image with his hand in it. Would of made for some fun C4D designing.  Though with that I would probably still be working on that design XD Now to see if I can play with a couple of my graphic projects I was working on and get them rolling.

If you were stranded on a deserted island for a year, what 3 items would you take and why?

You know I swear I have answered this question before but I couldn’t find it so here I go at it again.

So the first thing I would bring is friends, yeah may not be the an item type thing but hell if I am going to be stranded I am going to want some company and hopefully they won’t be to upset with me. I guess this could cause broken friendships but hell we will be stuck with each other for a year and something is bound to change for the better or worse in a situation like that. But I still would rather spend my time with people I know then alone and chance snapping. I would rather come back some what sane by the time it is done and over with. So yeah first item would definitely always be friends.

The second item I would have to say would end up being solar panels. If I am going to be stranded I am going to want power and this is a major part of all of that. Yeah if it wasn’t planned this would be replaced by something else like a guitar or something but first choice would be a solar panel or few. But if you want to stick with it has to be realistic I will go back to guitar and since I need something to keep myself busy and why not learn how to play with friends.

Now for my last item, if I am allowed solar panels I would be dropping my computer with me. Always a good thing to have a box that can deal with all your media needs! Past that it is great to be able to watch shows and play games with friends and I am setup good for stuff like that. Now for a more realistic choice I would be going with books, since a few books can be multi-purpose items. Once you read them they are good fire-starter and before that they work great for entertainment when you get tired of playing a guitar.

So yeah that is my choices one set in stone and two that float through the sea like nothing else depending on what I got to do. And you all know you would want to bust that guitar as I try to learn to play from scratch, so enjoy!

Winter wonder land?..

So here it is, the time of year I love the most. Snow covering the ground for as far as the eyes can boast. Seemingly great and a lovely gander is the wonderfulness of a white winter wonder land.

Some out enjoying the rifts, sledding down the hills and streets in drifts. Having so much fun not knowing what is to come in the days of glistening before the chaos. We want to throw snowballs a yonder and build snowman to make men ponder. Thus is the wonderfulness of a winter wonderland

Now to the trick that mother nature has played. A deviant charade, unexpected and dismayed. The news would tell you it was to come but the people just went about as nothing would go wrong. Three days later darkness floating around the Sound minus the fires that are to be abound. Breakers ablowing and trees abanging, sounding like gunshots, thunder, and looking like lightning.

You would wonder how we make it through, some still without power a week later too. This is what chaos can happen in a winter wonderland. Though some got lucky to be black only for a day or two, but even with that the damage made it through. Stress is a magnificent tool, it can help people get things done or turn them in to a grue.

What defines a good friendship?

I think what defines a good friendship is the obscurity of it while having it feel all so familiar as well. Some people think a good friendship requires trust others say it requires you to be up to doing the same things no matter what. But you know the unknown tends to take human fancy more often then the known and when it is familiar in feeling don’t you think it would just draw a person in? That is why I believe a good friendship is built on the unknown, trust can be a part of it as well as many other things. As well that would explain why some people have friends of like mind while others tend to have such a mixed bag you get confused. Another part of friendship is the connection, another part that is hard to understand, why can we connect really well with some people and not with others? In a good friendship they almost always have a strong connection that forms a bond between them thus making them closer to each-other sometimes like a brother and a sister and others times like one spouse to another yet not always are they like that.

In the end really we are looking at friendship and trying to define it where the term really can’t be defined in a normal way. Yes it may have a definition but it doesn’t dig any further then just saying it is a relationship. So really when we look at what a good friendship is we are truly asking someone how do you have a good relationship. And thus the answers become infinite in a way since everyone answer will always be a bit different and it is more about opinion rather then fact. Though once you realize one is a good friend I think the best way to say it is you tend to stick together through thick and thin.

 

PS: Sorry about the long break, with the holiday season I got over-stressed so my time around a computer became slim. Should be close to daily again but we will have to hope and see. Wish me luck and throw me some more Qs to answer!

Have you ever had a near-death experience? How close have you come to dying?

When it comes down to it I still don’t know how I am not dead to this day between a couple near death experiences. One I am not going to talk about but that is more due to the nature of it but the other, get ready to enjoy the ride. So yeah me and some buddies use to go up and do some extreme snowboarding every year well as I said use too. So yeah we did a fun trip and we had this cliff or by path to get past the cliff that we climbed around and my friends brother decides to jump off the cliff and get beat to shit by a group of trees. So yeah it was interesting fun getting him the rest of the way down out of the trees but lucky we had a sledding guy that trip, very lucky for him at least. But yeah this is just the joy of the trip not the scary part.

Now ucky for him we were able to get him down to the vehicles and he got in one of the SUVs not the little 1999 Chevy Silverado, and lucky for me and my buddy and his Silverado we had the other SUV behind us… So yeah going downhill you tend to find that blackice you miss going up and so me and my buddy and his lil chevy were hanging off a sheer cliff by a guardrail latched on his bumper, by the way yes we both pissed our pants. So yeah if it wouldn’t have been for our buddy behind us being a mudder we may have not made it back from that trip alive but thanks to those chains and their quick work and our dead stillness we made it back up alive. The lil chevy though never ran the same, I guess that happens when it gets dragged up a cliff-side.

PS: Yes we all made it out of the trip alive, and only two injuries to boot. The broken two from the wheel going over the guys foot getting us back on the road and my buddies brother and the twelve broken bones (most ribs) and bruised to all hell. But we did lose all three of his snowboards XD Now if you want to say living life on the ledge is great, remember hanging from it is damn well near shit in your pants (probably would have been if either of us had needed to go.)

Rui gets upgrade!

So yeah last night I got my cords finally and got my HDTV hooked up to my computer. It was snazzy and great and is really nice to look at but losing that second monitor on my desk just sort of was not fully up to par for me and thus having a second video card sitting in a box I decided why the hell not and went about dropping a nVidia card with an ATI card.

Yeah, ja, sha, I know most people that deal in computers are going to shout blasphemy, but hell you should try it one of these days. You know actually having physX to play with makes a much bigger difference then I would have though and hell I figured that out in an hour of playing Mass Effect. As well the added ports is another bonus as I now have an open port for running another monitor. Yeah some people think I’m crazy with having two monitors but I wonder what they would think about three and an HDTV. Hell one them as well being connected to two boxes.

So yeah now this was not a smooth transition, it took me two hours of fiddling with my box and then another hour of getting it to boot windows at all with the new video card. After all that it went to getting the right drivers and most up to date physX and installing them all in the right order. Try and tell me that it is simple and I would laugh in your face, for me the only way it may have been simple would be dropping the setup on a brand new install of Windows 7 and still you have to make sure your all prepped to get it done. Though I will say it is well worth the hassle, even if all that is running physX is a 9800GT it still is better then none. Not to mention being able to run it at all is great in it’s own accord.

If you had the opportunity, what would you want your last words to be – words that’ll be remembered?

I think I would want them to be something close to my heart or a piece of advice that a person could live by. Though I still figure the words that go on my gravestone will be better then what I say, though I have figured that words would be the death of me for years now so there isn’t much wonder why there. In the end though I think it will be some cliche piece of advice like live life to the fullest or live in the moment. But hey maybe when I am sitting there about to die something will spring in to my head that may have changed my life if I had heard it earlier but you never know and personally I really would rather not plan what I would say since I would rather know that the words will come from the moment rather then from a planned saying. So I guess I really could not say what my last words will be but I can say it will be something to remember or forget depending on the circumstances.